Closure

 

*A short story.

I saw him at a mutual friend’s house party. Amber and Jacob were moving to Charleston, NC in a month. So they thought it would be a good idea to get everyone together one last time before they moved away. Amber and Jacob were cool people; they really loved their friend group. They loved entertaining, planning group trips, and any excuse to do karaoke with a big crowd. They were also good at hooking people up. The way they did it was always little to no pressure and subtle. It’s because of them I was caught up in a two year situationship with Chris. Chris. The guy that was so wrong, but so right for me. If that even makes sense. 

We met each other through Amber and Jacob. Jacob and I were work friends and Chris was close to Amber’s brother. One night at one of Amber and Chris’s Friendsgiving we met and hit it off. We unofficially dated for a while and we unofficially broke up three times. I haven’t seen him in four months, but now here he is walking in and looking really cool. Last time I saw him was at a party downtown with his new girlfriend. And here I am trying to sneak glimpses of him through a crowd of people I casually know. 

I look to the bathroom, but the line is too long. I look at the balcony outside and thankfully it’s empty because of the chilly 55 degree weather. Luckily, I haven’t taken off my coat yet. I head straight to the sliding door and take in the chilly air. It’s actually kind of pretty with the twinkling lights lining the railing and the stylish small couch and complimentary table. Just when I start to breathe normally again, the sliding door opens behind me. And of course, it’s Chris. He must of saw me come outside when I was quietly trying to duck out unnoticed. Leave it to me to be noticed when that’s the complete opposite of what I want. I have no choice, but to be cordial now.

“Hey,” I say to him a little too high pitched.

He walks over to me with his arms open. He wants to hug me on this small intimate patio with lights dancing around us. Why does it have to be like this? I open my arms as well and meet him half way. We embrace and he smells amazing. I feel like I know this scent, but it’s a little different I can’t put my finger on it. It’s kind of bugging me that I pinpoint the fragrance.

“Hey, how you been?” he says back and I have to remember how to talk.

“I’m doing okay.” I say pulling away, trying not to linger in his arms for too long.

“You always say that,” he laughs lightly. “Let’s try that again. How are you doing, really?”

Typical Chris, never being able to accept short answers. I stare back at him with a goofy smirk, thinking about what I could really say. I could hit him with the truth and say that I’m just losing my mind at a job that I hate, worrying constantly about my health, my family, my friends, the state of the world, and wondering if I’m ever going to ever actually be happy.  I’m also constantly trying not to let my fear of never accomplishing my dreams get in the way of going after what I want out of life. And finally, at this very moment I’m in a state of lust, frustration, joy, jealousy, anger, and excitement because you’re standing in front of me, but there’s nothing I can do to calm these feelings because I know we can’t be together.

I think of giving him this unhinged answer. Instead, I give him the abridged version.

“Alright, if you want the truth, I guess things could be better. I’ve got life stuff going on, but life is life-ing for everyone.”

He steps back a bit and looks at me sideways. I mimic his action.

Finally, he says, “Okay I’ll take that answer. You can tell me more instead of the downplayed version, if you change your mind.”

“Fine,” I give in.  Things are off right now, with work and family, and my mental.”

“Ah I knew it. You always had a terrible poker face.”

“Yeah, yeah, you always know everything,” I say jokingly. “I’m doing what I can to work on those things.” Before he can ask another question I rush out, “but what about you. How’s everything on your end going.” Hopefully, he doesn’t think I sound sarcastic.

Chris smiles back. “Everything is actually pretty good. It’s the first time in a long time that I can say that and mean it.”

“That’s great, what’s changed for you?”

“I’ve been going to the gym more, I’ve talked to a therapist, and I’ve been applying to more jobs. I even have an interview for one that sounds like it’s a good fit for me.”

“Nice where’s the job interview?”

“In Atlanta.”

I try to sound in control and calm and not overly surprised when I say, “Woah, out of state? That must be some position.”

“Yeah, it sounds good so far. I think I’m also just ready for a change of scenery, plus…” he pauses for a couple of beats. I think I already know what he’s about to say.

He continues, “Not sure if you know, but I’ve been with someone for about a year now.”

I nod in reply, “I know, I think I’ve seen you post her on your IG. Jada, right?”

“Yeah, well she has family in Atlanta, and we’ve visited there a couple of times together. Jada misses the city and she’s been looking for a job up there too. So, if everything works out that might be the move for us.”

Us. That word hangs in the air for a minute. I notice that my head is hanging down just a bit. I lift it up and hold my lips together lightly, look Chris in the eyes and say, “Well, it seems like it’s a big step, but if you guys think the move would be beneficial for you both then , do it.”

On the outside, I’m looking calm and interested. Like a normal friend encouraging the other friend to take brave step. On the inside, I’m really jealous of this man and his new girl. Jealous of him for getting his shit together and taking on new and exciting challenges. And jealous of her for getting this beautiful, mature man, to move to a new city with her. Now these two are about to set out on a new adventure together. As for me, I’m still a single emotional wreck at the same job I was at when I first met Chris.

Despite all the angst I feel inside, I manage to smile at him as a soft breeze blows on us. He smiles back. “Thanks Shaniece,” he says. “I really appreciate that.”

“No problem, I’m always a great cheerleader,” I say in a joking way, shaking my fists like I’m holding imaginary pom poms.

“Nah for real,” he laughs. “You’re like one of the smartest people I know. So, what you think matters to me.”

I feel my skin warming up when he says that. I have to remind myself not to look at him with eyes that want to search every part of his soul. But when he says things like that I can’t help but wonder what does he see when he looks at me? How can he say something so sweet and not see me as more than just a girl he talked to on and off a while back? I want to tell him I still think about him and I never stopped. Just when I open my mouth slightly, he starts talking again.

“Also…,” he sighs like he’s getting ready to say something pretty heavy. “I feel like how things ended between us was a little messy and I kind of thought you hated me. I know you really liked me and I should have told you I was talking to other people, but honestly, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with what I was doing at the time. I didn’t think we were official and in my head I didn’t make any promises to you, so I didn’t think of it as lying. My therapist said that open communication can save a lot of relationships and friendships. I think I was sabotaging a lot of connections because of personal stuff going on with me. I shut some people out because I couldn’t just be straight up with myself and the people around me. I even hurt you instead of just telling you I wanted to move on.”

There it is. He just wanted to move on. All the times I second guessed and questioned if this man still wanted me, and I just got my direct answer wrapped up in a neat little bow.

“You were great by the way,” he goes on trying to soften what he’s just said. He probably saw the look on my face and wanted to make the words sound less harsh. “You were always trying to make our thing work and you never stopped trying to learn more about me. You know figure me out. I’m honestly impressed that you put up with me even when I was resistant. I just wish I could have been the same for you, but…”

“You just didn’t feel the same way.” I finish his sentence.

He shrugs a little, “I guess that’s the simplest way to put it. Just so you know it wasn’t just about you. I don’t think I’ve ever really opened up to anyone too much until I met Jada.”

“Well that’s a good thing,” I say keeping a mature energy in my tone. “To have someone you can be your truest self with is a blessing.”

“It’s kind of weird, actually. Sometimes I want to tell her things that she hasn’t even asked me about yet. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been on a quest to get to this connection that I’ve been missing and it’s like she might be it. I don’t know …”He stops and looks up at me. “Sorry I think I’m talking too much now.”

“No it’s okay you’re just saying how you feel. I wish you were this expressive when we were together.”

“Me too. Sorry if this is all a lot. I’ve been meaning to say all this stuff to you for a while now and I didn’t want to leaving anything unsaid but now I think I’m talking too much. I want you to know that you’re a great person, I should have treated you better back then, and I know we can’t be friends, but I hope we can at least be cool with each other. Can we?”

I nod and bite my lower lip. He smiles appreciatively. We’re about to hug it out when his phone dings.

“Oh one sec,” he takes his phone out of his pocket and reads a text message. “It’s Jada, she went to a birthday dinner with some friends. She’s just letting me know when they’ll be done. I guess I should go back in and make my rounds before it gets too late. Thanks for talking to me Shaniece. I hope I didn’t corner you or anything. I hope everything you want works out for you too.” He’s about to lean in for a hug again, but I stop him.

“Wait before you go back inside, I just want to get something off my chest too. I do wish we had worked out. I know that things weren’t perfect and there were signs that you wanted to move on, but I wanted to hold on because I had never felt the way I felt about you, about anyone else before. And truthfully, I haven’t since then either. I was mad at you for a while. I felt rejected by you. It felt like my efforts went unnoticed and there was nothing I could do to make you want me. Then when I saw that you moved on and got into this serious and from the looks of it healthy relationship I felt like a placeholder until someone better came along. I’m not saying this to win you back or blow up your relationship. I’m not even saying this for you to feel sorry for me. I just wanted to be honest too. You seem happy and you should be with someone who makes you happy. I hope I have what you have one day and I’m glad I got to feel something like it with you.”

He stares at me for a moment. His mouth twitches a little like he wants to say something but isn’t sure what to say. He nods and leans in for a hug and I hug him back. Before we separate I inhale his scent one more time. Once again it’s familiar but different.

“Thank you for telling me all of that. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I never wanted to hurt you like that. I can’t change who I was or how I treated you, but I hope there’s no bad blood between us. I just want good things for you too, you deserve it. I hope that you find that love that you’re looking for.”

“Thanks.”

Chris let’s out a deep breath. “Good talk,” he chuckles a little awkwardly. I’m gonna head back in, you coming?”

“In a sec, I have to check something on my phone real quick.”

He nods then turns to toward the door.

“Hey before you go quick question. Your cologne smells really good, what scent is that? I’m trying to think of what to get my dad for Christmas and he might like that. Is that the YSL you used to wear?”

“Oh yeah it is YLS MYSLF but it’s the MYSLF ABSOLU.”

“Oh okay, I wondering cause it smelled a little different, but it’s nice. I like the new scent.”

“Thanks, see you later.”

“Yeah see you later.”

He slides the door open and goes back inside to mingle. I watch as he goes over to some of his guy friends. One of them offers him a drink and I see him put a hand up to politely decline.

“Hmm different.” I take in the night air one last time and join the rest of the party inside. For the next hour I talk to a few people, help Amber in the kitchen for a bit, and join a game of Taboo. In the middle of Taboo I see Chris get up and grab his coat. He looks like he’s about to head out. Probably time for him to go get Jada. He tells everyone goodbye and I wave goodbye with the rest of the collective of people.

Amber who is sitting next to me looks at my face as I watch Chris walk out the door. “Hey I saw you two talking outside earlier. Everything good? I forgot to mention that he was invited. I got so busy with party planning that it honestly slipped my mind.”

“It’s all good,” I assure her. “We just had a good talk. He was telling me about his girlfriend and some jobs he’s applying to. He seems like he’s in a good place. It was actually kind of nice catching up.”

Amber gives me a look. “That sounds really good. You’re not still feeling him like that are you?”

I shrug, I look to the sliding door and wonder if I can see him drive off from there. I turn back to Amber. “Eh not so much anymore. It’s time for me to move on to something else too.”